I took on Black Friday—and won
(Originally published November 2011, when Black Friday was still cool)
This was the year I was going to do it: This was the year I was going to do Black Friday.
I’m an avowed Black Friday avoider. The official kick-off day to Christmas shopping represents everything I hate: spending money, supporting giant multinational conglomerates, getting elbowed by loud and aggressive shoppers, and having to function on too little sleep on a day that was intended by our Founding Fathers for nothing more than eating leftovers and napping.
But this year, I had a reason.
For several months we’ve been saving up for a flashy, new mid-size high-def TV. (Winter is coming, after all; how better to spend our time than gazing at the super-sharp on-screen images and pointing out which TV stars are in need of an upper lip waxing?)
I had been scoping out consumer reviews for so long I could talk for hours about LCD vs. plasma,1040i vs. 1040p, and bezels and the finer points of choosing a TV—although I could only hold people’s attention for about four seconds—and I found the brand and model we wanted, only it was just out of our price range.
And then a Black Friday ad came out.
The very TV we had been looking for would be selling on Black Friday at 40 percent off. Without hesitation, I dropped the “too proud for Black Friday” attitude and chose consumer greed over a leisurely Friday morning where the only crowd I’d have to fight was two family members going for the last piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast.
“I had been looking forward to setting aside my dignity and personal safety just to save a few bucks. ”
I was not only going to cave in to Black Friday, I was going to attack it and come out triumphant.
Without any martial arts or military training I wasn’t sure how prepared I was to fight the hordes I knew would be angling for my future TV. I had heard of fistfights breaking out over Black Friday sales and considered wearing a mouth guard, just to be on the safe side. Or maybe a catcher’s mask.
I’m not by nature a physically aggressive person. Though I can cut someone to shreds with my viper’s tongue, biting sarcasm would do me little good while being clotheslined by a seasoned Black Friday veteran. I began the physical training for strength, endurance, and quickness that day. There wasn’t much time.
Monday, in between hitting the speed bag and jumping rope, I called the store to get a bead on how many TVs would be available, to request a fax of the store floor plan, with all exits, aisles, and shortcuts highlighted, and to double-check the sale price.
The salesperson checked the computer and gave me three answers: (1) there would be three, and only three, of this model TV available on Black Friday at 4 a.m.; (2) despite a written commitment to customer satisfaction, management declined to provide me with a map of the store; and (3) the sale price was indeed as advertised—and, oh, by the way, the sale had already started.
Excuse me?
The clerk explained, as if it hardly mattered, “You can come in on Black Friday at 4 a.m. and fight your way to the electronics department and duke it out for one of the three TVs at the risk of getting your face ripped off, or I can order you one of the same TVs now, at the same price, and you can pick it up Wednesday afternoon.”
Hm. I’d have to think about this.
I talked it over with a few close friends and my husband and in the end the vote was 60/40 in favor of me spending Thanksgiving Day on the couch counting NFL players’ eyelashes on a giant high-def TV rather than in the basement learning to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. So I ordered the TV.
Later I got on the computer and discovered that most major retailers were offering Black Friday prices online; all the savings, none of the drama.
So that was Black Friday? I never thought I’d say this, but I’m disappointed. I had mentally and physically prepared myself for the most stressful day of the year. I had been looking forward to setting aside my dignity and personal safety just to save a few bucks. I never got to feel the thrill of victory, or at least get dragged down by a frenzied mob in the attempt to reach my goal.
The feeling only got worse when I read news reports of this year’s Black Friday across the country, which exceeded all past years with new and improved hazards, including shoppers with pepper spray, cops with tasers, and even a gunshot or two, just for kicks. I missed out on all of it.
Fortunately, retailers are already responding to people like me. Next year, Amazon, Walmart, and Best Buy will bring a more realistic Black Friday experience to the online shopper. Cyberstores will not only offer 60-percent-off deals and free shipping but will even send a violent band of rabid over-caffeinated shoppers to your house to trample you—at no extra cost.
Now that’s service.
