AI isn’t coming for me—yet
(Originally published January 2024)
I’ve heard that someday, on its unstoppable and accelerating march to becoming sentient and subjugating humanity, artificial intelligence (AI) is going to put writers out of work. I tried AI last week and have concluded that this column, at least, is safe for now.
For anyone not familiar with AI, there are websites where you can type prompts or questions and a “chatbot” will scan the internet for relevant information and respond—sometimes accurately, sometimes not—in a humanlike, conversational way. (This is essentially what I do, except with my brain, and more slowly, when asked such challenging questions as “What did you do this weekend?”)
I wondered whether AI could find my columns online and approximate my writing style. So I went to the ChatGPT website and prepared to engage with the chatbot as if AI were a harmless novelty and not the future overlord of humankind.
I loaded my first prompt with helpful key words: “Write the opening paragraph of a column in the style of Vermont humor columnist Jessie Raymond.” The chatbot leaned into the “Vermont” angle, responding with the following (and I am not making any of this up): “Well, slap on your flannel and dust off your maple syrup collection, because here in the Green Mountain State, we’ve officially entered the season of unpredictable weather and even more unpredictable neighborly interactions.”
“This is what I sound like?”
Yikes.
The chatbot (as me) went on to talk about my fictional neighbor, Bob, and how we recently clashed over the proper way to stack firewood. The paragraph ended with “It’s a frosty world out here, folks, but at least we’ve got a sense of humor as sharp as a cheddar cheese wheel.”
This is what I sound like? A cross between Wilford Brimley and an intern at the Vermont Department of Tourism?
Hurtful.
I tried again, this time leaving out the word “Vermont.” The result was not much better: “Well, grab your coffee mug and settle into your comfiest chair, because we’re about to dive headfirst into the chaotic symphony that is my life here in the good ol’ Green Mountain State.”
In this iteration of the column, the chatbot had me baking bread, with disastrous results. The paragraph ended with “The only thing rising more unpredictably than my sourdough is the quirky charm of Vermont living.” (Sorry to be pedantic, but since when does quirky charm “rise”?)
I tried many permutations, asking for opening sentences on various topics. Here’s the chatbot, as me, writing about winter: “As the first snowflake fell from the sky, I looked out my window and thought, ‘Well, it’s that time of year when my thermostat becomes my most treasured possession, and my car suddenly develops trust issues.’”
That one wasn’t bad, actually. It was mildly amusing, which tracks with most of my attempts at real zingers. But that was the closest the chatbot ever came to sounding like me.
In one last experiment, I asked the chatbot for the final paragraph of this very column. And this is what I got: “So, as I bid farewell to my AI experimentations and return to my trusty typewriter—yes, I’m that person—I can’t help but wonder if ChatGPT has figured out how to craft the perfect punchline, or if it’s just sitting in the virtual corner, questioning why humans insist on adding humor to everything. Until next time, may your laughter be as infectious as a Vermonter’s love for maple syrup.”
Seriously? Not only was it still hammering the folksy Vermont similes, but now it was insulting me with “why humans insist on adding humor to everything.”
Listen, the world can be a pretty dark place, and humor serves as a distraction to help keep us from staying in bed more days than not. Also, I’m a humor columnist; “adding humor to everything” is the whole job description.
From what I’ve seen at this point, AI poses no threat to my column; it hasn’t read my stuff and can’t mimic my writing style. Still, don’t be surprised if in my future columns you run across a few ham-fisted references to maple syrup and cheddar cheese.
I’m hoping our future overlord will treat me less harshly, when humans are vanquished, if I let it fill in for me now and then.
